Day #40: G-D VS GOD SMACKDOWN: RED SEA EDITION

“WELCOME TO G-D VS GOD SMACKDOWN, RED SEA EDITION! We’re here live at the Red Sea in sunny Egypt for round 11 of this era’s title match: THE MUMMY vs. THE INVISIBLE G-D. I’m Jethro, high priest of Midian and with me tonight is Bilaam, seer extraordinaire. Bilaam, what are your thoughts on this match?”

“WELL,” shouts Bilaam into his microphone, “THIS IS LIKE NOTHING I’VE EVER SEEN BEFORE. I’ve been in this business my entire life, but this fight between the up and coming INVISIBLE G-D and the superpower, the AWESOME, the INCREDIBLE MUMMY has been the surprise match of anybody’s lifetime. It has been UNBELIEVABLE.”

“Before the round gets started, let’s review some of the action up to this point.”

“WELL,” says Bilaam, “The INVISIBLE G-D certainly did things in unusual ways. He got his peeps into the heart of THE MUMMY’S territory in a land called Goshen. And his peeps got BEAT on. We didn’t even know there was a match going on. THE MUMMY landed everything he tried. Slavery, oppression, killing babies, you name it. It was AWESOME. Thing was, these peeps kept on coming. And MULTIPLYING. Watching it, you got the feeling somethin’ was up.”

“When did YOU know there was a match?”

“WELL,” says Bilaam, “EVERYBODY knew when the INVISIBLE G-D decided to make an entrance. Sort of. He sends down THE EMISSARY who shows off a few tricks and who tries to say ‘MATCH OVER’ DUDE. Naturally, THE MUMMY just ignored him. He wasn’t doing ANYTHING until THE INVISIBLE G-D showed up in the RING.”

“In retrospect, that was NOT a wise move.”

“YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN. We don’t even know if the INVISIBLE G-D ever made it to the ring. MAYBE HE DID, MAYBE HE DIDN’T. NOBODY SEEN HIM. But I’ll tell you this, THE MUMMY got himself some TROUBLE. The INVISIBLE G-D unleashed blood and frogs. But THE MUMMY WASN’T HAVING ANY OF THAT. He said to the invisible G-d’s peeps – ‘MAKE ME STRAW TOO!’ And they started complaining. I mean, hey, where was their main man? And then, WHAM, BANG, KAPOW! The INVISIBLE G-D smacked THE MUMMY upside the head. Warnings, no warnings, it didn’t matter. THE MUMMY was helpless. HECK, a bunch of times THE INVISIBLE G-D even said WHEN he was gonna lay down his thunder. HE TELEGRAPHED IT, and THE MUMMY still couldn’t stop it.”

“I was just amazed at that 10-punch combo the INVISIBLE G-D threw. I mean, I’ve seen a few moves in my day, but getting off a routine like that – wow that sends a message.”

“Jethro, it sure does. And THE MUMMY seemed to be down for the count. He sent THE INVISIBLE G-D’s peeps out. But just before the ref counted him out, THE MUMMY pulled together a HUGE army. I THINK WE MAY BE SEEING THE SECOND COMEBACK OF THIS MATCH.”

“You think THE MUMMY is going to rise from the dead and take out THE INVISIBLE G-D?”

“It sure is possible. I mean think about it. THE INVISIBLE G-D was KICKING THE MUMMY’S BUTT. And then he ends up getting his peeps out and HE GETS THEM LOST!!! THIS IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR A COMEBACK OF HISTORIC PROPORTIONS!!!”

“You don’t think maybe it’s a trap?”

“WHAT KIND OF TRAP?”

“Where THE INVISIBLE G-D plays stupid, brings THE MUMMY close and then jumps up and BODY SLAMS HIM?”

“No, man, I don’t think so. I mean, think about it. That 10-punch combination, that was against the soft bits – the people the economy that kinda stuff. THIS? This requires beating in the head of the TOUGHEST sonfabeaches around. No lice gonna slow this gang down.”

“Well, we’ll see,” says Jethro. “And now, we turn to the action with our correspondent on the field, Job. Job?”

In a radio-filtered voice, “I am a righteous man. I am a righteous man. I am a righteous man. I am a righteous man-”

“Well,” says Jethro, “It appears we’re having some technical difficulties with Job’s connection. We’ll cover the action from here. Right now, THE MUMMY’S ARMY is arrayed above THE INVISIBLE G-D’S massive collection of homeless people. They may be outnumbered, but that army knows what it’s doing.”

“ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,” says Bilaam, “Those Hebrews are slaves. They are trained to be SCARED. They are trained to get PUNISHED. They’ve had the humanity BEAT out of them. Those people don’t stand a chance. I mean, THINK ABOUT IT. If your daddy been beatin’ on you since you were a little kid, just seeing him with that BELT is gonna FREAK YOU OUT.”

“But you might get angry and get even in a burst of courage.”

“Sure, Jethro, that happens a lot. NO, I don’t see it. These people wanna run, there’s no place to run – and I AIN’T SEEING NO INVISIBLE G-D ROUND HERE.”

“Oh my, I think this is over before it BEGAN. The Hebrew people are calling out for surrender.”

“THEY ARE INDEED JETHRO, THEY ARE INDEED. LOOK AT THAT. The EMISSARY is trying to hold them back. But he DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING. He’s as confused as everybody else. OH, FOLKS, THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY! THOSE HEBREWS REALLY DON’T WANT ANY PART OF THIS CAN OF WHUP-***.”

“You can say that again!”

“THOSE HEBREWS REALLY DON’T WANT ANY PART OF THIS CAN OF WHUP-***.”

“Bilaam, look down there, some idiot has decided to run through the sea. And, wait, the EMISSARY is stretching out his rod over the SEA. I don’t know how, but I think they’re going to make a run for it.”

“Jethro, they CAN’T MAKE a run for it. It’s the SEA. They GONNA DIE.”

“Pharoah’s army are charging. They don’t want surrender.”

“Not in this match. They want a straight up KO – NOTHING LEFT.”

“OH MY! BILAAM DID YOU SEE THAT.”

“DID ANYBODY NOT SEE THAT!!!”

“THE WHOLE SEA JUST OPENED UP. IT SPLIT IN TWO!  I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP FOLKS. IT SPLIT IN TWO!”

“WOW.”

“WOW IS RIGHT, BILAAM.”

“I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. You can’t believe the excitement here folks. Something absolutely INSANE is happening. THE INVISIBLE G-D just SPLIT THE SEA.”

“BILAAM. WHAT IS GOING ON??”

“Well, it is IMPRESSIVE, but I think it’s just too late. Those chariots are gonna CATCH UP. And then it’s BYE BYE PEEPS!”

“I DON’T KNOW, BILAAM. I THINK THIS MAY BE A SUCKER PUNCH.”

“I DON’T SEE IT. What are you related to THE EMISSARY or something?”

“maybe. FOLKS, the seabed has turned to DRY LAND and the people are making a run for it. THE MUMMY’S ARMY is catching up. But the ground seems to be turning WET under their feet.”

“IT IS INDEED, JETHRO. THAT IS A NEAT TRICK. THEY ARE GETTING SLOWED UP SOMETHING FURIOUS.”

“Bilaam, I’m not sure they can close that gap.”

“You know, JETHRO, you may be right.”

“THE PEOPLE ARE OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!”

“Jethro, let’s see what happens. Slogging or not, when THE MUMMY’S ARMY reaches the Eastern shore of that sea there will be a SLAUGHTER.”

“The INVISIBLE G-D’S PEOPLE HAVE STOPPED!!”

“What are they waiting for? They’ve got to RUN.”

“OH MY, THIS ISN’T PRETTY.”

“THE SEA IS NO LONGER SPLIT.”

“IT IS CRASHING IN.”

“WHAT A MOVE!!!”

“THE MUMMY’S ARMY IS BEING ANNIHILATED.”

“IT IS ANNIHILATED.”

“GAME-SET-MATCH.”

“JETHRO, YOU CALLED IT. DUDE THAT WAS NASTY!”

“THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. FOLKS, THE MUMMY, UNBEATEN IN THE RING FOR 2,000 YEARS HAS JUST BEEN ANNIHILATED BY THE INVISIBLE G-D. I MEAN DESTROYED. THERE AIN’T NOTHING LEFT.”

“JETHRO, that was INCREDIBLE, COLOSSAL, HISTORIC. FOLKS YOU HAD TO BE HERE TO BELIEVE THIS. THE MUMMY, I REPEAT, THE MUMMY, HAS BEEN WASTED.”

“Bilaam, that was the greatest match ever. And look, the Hebrews are dancing the chicken dance and doing the singing thing.”

“THEY ARE INDEED, JETHRO. And who can blame them. They’re INVISIBLE G-D just rewrote the ENTIRE SPORT OF G-D VS. GOD SMACKDOWN. FOLKS, it’ll be a LONG time before anybody steps up against THE INVISIBLE G-D.”

“They may ignore him, but they ain’t gonna FIGHT HIM.”

“Jethro, I’m a SEER, I oughtta know.”

“Well, folks, the fight is formally over. In Round 11, the INVISIBLE G-D KOs THE MUMMY. After the break, we’ll have interviews with THE EMISSARY about the fight, and his SISTER about the chicken dance.”

“Jetro, I know I’m looking forward to that.”

— Cut to commercials.