Day #19: headcount@nile.com


ADMIN UPDATE:
If you are of a political bent, you might find Dr. Rajiv Chaudry (about Healthcare ‘Reform’) and Jason Webster.(about Air Terrorism)
There are, of course, lots of other fun stories like Howitt (about a soldier), Violin Boy, The Cult etc… Enjoy this one!

headcount@nile.com:


Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Sunrise

From: “Neferty” < neferty@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Headcount

Amenemhat,

I had a vision last night. In it, the Hebrew slaves covered the land. And there was no work. And they ate everything.

FYI, don’t bring your eldest out next Sunday.

Enjoy your weekend!
Neferty
Human Resources Analyst, Department of Astrology  & Visions

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Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Early Morning
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Ammon,

See attached. Neferty had a vision. Explain.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Mid-Morning
From: “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com >
To:  “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

There are too many slaves.

Ammon
Project Planning, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Mid-Morning
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com”
Subject: Re: Headcount

Ammon,

What do you mean too many slaves? I thought we were on top of this.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Midday
From: “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com >
To:  “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

I’ve reviewed the model. They didn’t reproduce to projections. They were brought on for one project, which was expected to take a generation. They didn’t die out but the project is ending, so now there are too many.

Ammon
Project Planning, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Midday
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com”
Subject: Re: Headcount

Ammon,

Can we retask them?

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Late Day
From: “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com >
To:  “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

Yes we can. But I’ve analyzed it and my projections don’t show us having anything worth feeding them to do.

As an aside, they eat a lot. We’re going to have food issues soon.

Ammon
Project Planning, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 8, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Late Day
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com”
Subject: Re: Headcount

Ammon,

Give me a report and I’ll present to Pharoah.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 9, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Sunrise
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
Subject: Re: Headcount

Oh Great and Masterful Pharoah,

It appears the Hebrew slaves have been multiplying faster than the budget can accommodate. I suggest working them harder and beating them more in order to dampen their future anticipated growth curve. We ought to be able to tackle this issue through attrition alone.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 9, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Loyal Amenemhat,

I agree, I will issue the approval in the workforce management system.

Great and Masterful Pharoah

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Date: Thursday, 9, Mhyr, Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
Subject: Re: Headcount

Oh Great and Masterful Pharoah,

I will keep you updated.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date: Thursday, 20, Ipip, Tenth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Sunrise
From: “Neferty”   < neferty@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Headcount

Amenemhat,

I had a another vision last night. In it, the Hebrew slaves covered the land. And there was no work. And they ate everything.

FYI, avoid Imhotep Lane this evening.

How’s the wife?

Neferty
Human Resources Analyst, Department of Astrology  & Visions

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 12, Ipip Tenth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Ammon,

See attached. Same dream. Same answer?

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 12, Ipip, Tenth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com >
To:  “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

Same answer. Let’s add more work. Maybe make them make bricks?

Ammon
Project Planning, Slave Driving Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 12, Ipip, Tenth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Day
From: “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Loyal Amenemhat,

I agree. I will issue the approval in the workforce management system.

Great and Masterful Pharoah

~~~~~~~~~~~~

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 15, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Sunrise
From: “Neferty”  < neferty@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Headcount

Amenemhat,

I had a another vision last night. In it, the Hebrew slaves covered the land. And there was no work. And they ate everything.

You need brain surgery.

Neferty
Human Resources Analyst, Department of Astrology  & Visions

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 15, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Ammon,

See attached. Still there.

FYI, I don’t know how Neferty knew, but I did have a little bit of pressure relieved. I’m fine now.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 15, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Morning
From: “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com >
To:  “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

Good to hear. I’m almost out of ideas. Maybe we can slaughter them?

Ammon
Project Planning, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 15, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Midday
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Ammon,

Wouldn’t work, they might unionize.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 15, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Midday
From: “Ammon” < Ammon@nile.com >
To:  “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

Maybe we can restructure by kill all the boy babies and keep the girls as breeding stock?

Ammon
Project Planning, Slave Driving Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 16, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Loyal Amenemhat,

I agree. I will issue the approval in the workforce management system.

Great and Masterful Pharoah

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 16, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Mid-Morning
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Akh,

We are having excessive headcount issues. The Great and Masterful Pharoah has approved a baby-culling exercise. Can your group implement?

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

******************************************************
**********
Date: Thursday, 16, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Midday
From: “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

We’ve already developed a plan for this. We can outsource the actual baby-killing to the Hebrew midwives.

Akh
Vice President, Operations Management

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Date: Thursday, 16, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom,  Midday
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Akh,

It isn’t my department, but wouldn’t that seem difficult to actually implement? It seems like incentives wouldn’t line up with desired outcomes.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 16, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Day
From: “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

It will work. Midwives’ activities are carefully tracked and we have in-depth reporting on their performance. We can track it and impose disincentives on a case-by-case basis.

Akh
Vice President, Operations Management

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 16, Ta-‘b, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Day
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Akh,

Ok.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 25, Ipip, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

We’ve had some pushback on implementation.

Akh
Vice President, Operations Management

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 25, Ipip, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Early Morning
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Akh,

What about the disincentives?

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 25, Ipip, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Midday
From: “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

They’ve covered themselves. They claim they aren’t actually at the births in time, so they can’t kill the babies. Due to under-funding of our department, our database is primitive. We can’t track whether or not they’re telling the truth.

We can solve the problem by increasing our budget and thus our data storage and tracking capability.

Akh
Vice President, Operations Management

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 25, Ipip, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Day
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Akh,

There is no room in the budget. Send out Egyptian auditing groups. If they find baby Hebrew boys, reduce future the headcount by throwing them in the Nile. I’ll have Pharoah authorize.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 25, Ipip, Twelfth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Day
From: “Akh” < Akh@nile.com>
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Amenemhat,

Without the increased database budget, somebody might slip through, but we will implement it.

Akh
Vice President, Operations Management

~~~~~~~~~~~~

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 5, Kahrka, Thirty-Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Afternoon
From: “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Loyal Amenemhat,

Some young man just showed up claiming he was a Hebrew. I thought we restructured them so there wouldn’t be any more young men.

Great and Masterful Pharoah

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Date: Thursday, 5, Kahrka, Thirty-Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Afternoon
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
Subject: Re: Headcount

Oh Great and Masterful Pharoah,

We achieved our project goals. We laid the groundwork for a significant future reduction in headcount.

One or two might have slipped through.

What did the Hebrew want?

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

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Date: Thursday, 5, Kahrka, Thirty-Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Afternoon
From: “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Loyal Amenemhat,

Collective bargaining.

Great and Masterful Pharoah

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Date: Thursday, 5, Kahrka, Thirty-Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Afternoon
From: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
To:  “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
Subject: Re: Headcount

Oh Great and Masterful Pharoah,

Oy.

Amenemhat
Chief Task Master, Slave Driving Division

****************************************************************
Date: Thursday, 5, Kahrka, Thirty-Fifth Year, Twentieth Dynasty, New Kingdom, Late Afternoon
From: “Pharoah” < bigkahuna@nile.com”
To: “Amenemhat” < amenemhat@nile.com>
Subject: Re: Headcount

Loyal Amenemhat,

Tell me about it. Just like that, there goes the family business 🙁

Great and Masterful Pharoah


6 thoughts on “Day #19: headcount@nile.com

  1. >Great and Masterful Pharoah
    >
    >There appears to be strong evidence of underemployment in some
    >administrative departments. I propose
    >setting up a task force immediately to implement all necessary
    >measures to head this one off at the
    >pass [deliberate anachronism  3,450 years]
    >
    >Selim ben Levi
    >Priest i/c  Sons of Jacob [labour aportionment]
    >Goshen City
    >Lower Egypt

  2. Oh Great Pharoah, THEY are the ones we've been waiting for……

    So let it be written,
    So let it be done…….

  3. Brilliant, but you could have used the phrase "bend the curve" to great and hilarious effect when discussing reproduction.

Comments are closed.