Shemot (Exodus) 17.5:
1. And the people remembered Amalek; 2. And they came upon a poster in the desert; 3. And it was a giant poster; 4. And on it Og King of Bashan was playing golf; 5. And the poster said “Performance, Delivered.”
6. And the people were impressed.
7. On the morrow, a messenger arrived from Arthur Chief of the Consultites; 8. He came bearing a message for Moses; 9: and he said, ‘Meet me for coffee.’
10. And on the second day, another messenger came; 11. His message read: “We should meet, I think we can help you.”
12. And on the third day, a third messenger: “You might find this article on the Canaanites helpful. Care to meet?”
13. And on the fourth day, a final messenger, offering luxury box seats for the Giving of the Torah.
14. And Moses was convinced; 15. And he invited Arthur, Chief of the Consultites.
16. Arthur was a man of strength; 17. He spoke of all that G-d had done for Moses, and for Israel His people, how that the LORD had brought Israel out of Egypt; 18. And he spoke about the dangers of rapid growth and how many enterprises had been brought under by it.
19. And he promised that his people the Consultites could help.
20. And the sale was made.
21. Behold, soon the people were inundated with thousands of 22-year-old Consultites; 22. They saw and consumed all the gold of the people; 23. After 40 days and 40 nights, the people complained to Moses, “Woe unto us. You have brought us into the desert just to be consumed by parasites;”
24. Moses said, wait and you shall surely see that the Consultites are here to serve us.
25. After a great many days, when all the gold and silver were gone, Arthur Chief of the Consultites appeared before Moses; 26. He was bearing a beautiful, glossy and full-color 300-page presentation; 27. It had even a Star of David logo; 28. There were a multitude of recommendations, “Synergistic reorganization calibrated to maximize efficaciousness,” “Establish horizontal and vertical chains of reporting to augment information cross-pollination and development,” “Develop feedback system to inform process of continuous quality improvement,” “Propagate public messaging through multi-channel conveyance strategies and methodologies;” 29. And on and on until the end of the document; 30. The graphs were most impressive; 31. Moses was eager to implement the recommendations, but he did not understand them.
32. On page 276, Moses beheld the Shield of the Philistines; 33. And he spoke unto Arthur Chief of the Consultites and asked, “Did we pay all of our silver and all of our gold for a recycled report?”
34. And Arthut, Chief of the Consultites answered, “The Philistines are a great nation. What worked for them would work for you.”
35. And Moses thought upon that; 36. And he threw Arthur Chief of the Consultites out; 37. And he lifted his arms and the people launched the Consultites from their midst,and took back their gold.
37. Moses considered and he did what he should have done from the beginning; 38. He decided to ask his father-in-law for advice.
39. Moses forgot the Consultites and struck them from his Book; 40. But Moses liked the ‘multi-channel conveyance;’ 41. And so he considered going on Oprah.